Can't Handle This - Bo Burnham.mp3

[00:00.702]I went to Kanye West's recent tour, the Yeezus Tour
[00:03.096]It was a big, dramatic, theatrical show
[00:05.747]He did something very strange at the end of his show
[00:07.871]Where he ranted for like 20 minutes
[00:10.532]It was kind of a rant, kind of a song
[00:12.127]He had auto-tune on his voice
[00:13.723]And there was an instrumental in the background, like this instrumental
[00:19.825]He talked about his problems
[00:22.483]Race, power, his $90 t-shirts weren't selling very well; that was most of it
[00:30.186]And I watched this, I thought maybe I could do this
[00:35.236]I'll be honest, my problems are not as high stakes as Kanye's, but I have problems
[00:41.605]And maybe a crowd in New York would be nice enough to indulge me
[00:43.999]So as we get to the end of a night of theater, and comedy and sweaters coming on and off
[00:48.787]I got one question for you, and that question is...
[00:59.675]Can I say my shit?
[01:03.919]New York, can I say my shit?
[01:08.441]I've got lots of shit to say
[01:11.364]I've got lots of shit to say
[01:15.075](Ooh)
[01:20.923]I can't fit my hand inside a Pringle can
[01:24.898]I have a huge amount of trouble
[01:28.888]Fitting my hand inside of a Pringle can
[01:29.951]I can get my hand like four inches into the can
[01:31.812]But then I have to tilt the can into my mouth
[01:34.470]But by that point, a bunch of crumbs have accumulated at the bottom of the can
[01:38.447]So they all go spilling onto my face
[01:41.906]What I'm trying to say is the diameter of Pringle cans is way too small
[01:46.946]I'll say it again
[01:48.543]The diameter of Pringle cans is way too small
[01:51.464]Two radiuses of a Pringle can is way too small
[01:54.659]If you feel me, put your hands up, come on!
[01:57.581]If you feel me, put your hands up
[02:00.496]Look at all these hands that are way too big to fit inside a Pringle can
[02:05.014]Your hands are too big to fit inside of Pringle cans
[02:07.676]Your hands are too big to fit inside a Pringle can
[02:11.652]You think you can, I know you can't, you think you can
[02:14.844]Pringles! Listen to the people!
[02:16.701]I am sure ninety percent of the complaint letters you get
[02:19.096]Are about the width of your cans; just make them wider
[02:24.402]I've overdone the Pringles thing, sorry
[02:28.127]I wanna have a daughter, wanna have a daughter
[02:33.696]So I can finally have someone around the house
[02:35.824]Who can fit their hands in a Pringle can
[02:37.687]Yes, I'm still on the Pringle cans thing! Yeah!
[02:41.408]I'll-I'll move on, alright?
[02:44.590]But that is priority número uno
[02:50.173]I don't go to the gym, 'cause I'm self-conscious about my body
[02:56.276]But I'm self-conscious about my body 'cause I don't go to the gym
[02:59.199]Irony can be so painful, that's a Catch-22, ooh
[03:09.556]Let's do this!
[03:12.218]I went to Chipotle, went to Chipotle
[03:19.385]Got myself a chicken burrito, brrap
[03:23.371]I went down the line I got like all these ingredients
[03:26.564]And at the end of the line, the guy tried to wrap the burrito
[03:28.958]But half of the shit inside the burrito spilled out; he still wrapped it
[03:32.139]I was like, "Dude, you should have warned me!"
[03:34.263]You're a burrito expert; you should have told me halfway through
[03:36.922]"Hey, man, you might be reaching maximum burrito capacity here"
[03:40.909]Do you think I want a messy burrito?
[03:42.760]No one wants a messy burrito
[03:44.888]The whole appeal of a burrito is that all of the ingredients
[03:47.281]Are contained within the confines of the tortilla
[03:51.005]I wouldn't have gotten half this shit if I knew it wasn't gonna fit in the burrito!
[03:54.447]Alright? Look
[03:55.247]I wouldn't have got the lettuce if I knew it wouldn't fit
[03:57.640]Wouldn't have got the cheese if I knew it wouldn't fit
[04:00.565]Wouldn't have got the peppers if I knew they wouldn't fit
[04:03.223]I wouldn't have got, half of it
[04:06.666]Like, I'm okay with small mistakes
[04:09.327]If you've got no more chicken, I'll take pork
[04:13.315]But I'll blow my dad before I eat a burrito with a fork
[04:18.355]Wouldn't have got the lettuce if I knew it wouldn't fit
[04:21.282]Wouldn't have got the cheese if I knew it wouldn't fit
[04:23.943]Wouldn't have got the peppers if I knew they wouldn't-
[04:26.331]Man, I wouldn't have got half of it, like
[04:28.981]Half of it like, half of it like, half of it like, half of it right now
[04:35.626]I think it's time I, think it's time, that we break it down
[05:02.713]I can sit here and pretend like my biggest problems are
[05:05.639]Pringle cans, and burritos
[05:10.693]The truth is my biggest problem's you; I want to please you
[05:15.997]But I want to stay true to myself
[05:17.590]I want to give you the night out that you deserve
[05:20.517]But I want to say what I think and not care what you think about it
[05:24.494]A part of me loves you, part of me hates you
[05:30.078]Part of me needs you; part of me fears you
[05:35.384]And I don't think that I can handle this right now
[05:39.106]Handle this right now; I don't think that I can handle this right now
[05:46.541]I don't think that I can handle this right-
[05:48.935]I don't think that I can handle this right-
[05:51.858]I don't think that I can handle this right-
[05:54.784]Look at them; they're just staring at me, like
[05:56.909]"Come and watch the skinny kid with a
[06:00.090]Steadily declining mental health, and laugh as he attempts
[06:05.942]To give you what he cannot give himself"
[06:08.861]Think that I can handle this right-
[06:11.247]I don't think that I can handle this right-
[06:14.170]They don't even know the half of this right-
[06:16.565]They don't even know the half of it
[06:18.956]But I know I'm not a doctor, I'm a pussy, I put on a silly show
[06:25.859]I should probably just shut up and do my job, so here I go
[06:30.645]Wouldn't have got the lettuce if I knew it wouldn't fit
[06:33.556]Wouldn't have got the cheese if I knew it wouldn't fit
[06:36.216]Wouldn't have got the peppers if I knew they wouldn't fit
[06:39.406]Wouldn't have got half
[06:41.271]You can tell them anything if you just make it funny, make it rhyme
[06:47.904]And if they still don't understand you, then you run it one more time
[06:52.954]Think that I can handle this right-- Haa
[06:56.401]Handle this right-- Ho
[06:59.062]Handle this right
[07:00.921]You don't even know the half of this right now
[07:04.643]Right now (Haa!)
[07:07.823]Now
[07:10.217]Handle this right
[07:11.813]I'll handle this right; I handle this right now
[07:15.272]Thank you
[07:16.066]Good night
[07:16.867]I hope you're happy